Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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