I am in a vortex of obligation.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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