He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
