Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
