wakey wakey hands off snakey
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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