I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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