i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
