On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
