I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
