My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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