I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
