then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
This is my gift to your gina
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
