don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize