Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
