I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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