Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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