Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
