I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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