my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
