Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
