i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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