oh posh. I need a real boy. To fill my void. This guy has potential. He is a Republican.
***** and i were talking about Republicans today. They are usually the champs of mediocrity but we decided mediocrity is underrated.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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