I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
third nipple confirmed
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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