how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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