We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I need to align my fucking chakras
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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