You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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