I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Randomize
