I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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