It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
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