remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I currently don't understand fingers.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
