Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
