Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
