I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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