At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
