brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
