Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
