I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize