We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
