You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
