i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
My cat gives me a boner
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
