Taylor Swift is so right about you.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
