wrigley field is MILF paradise
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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