I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
