nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
