I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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