I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize