I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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