girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
