You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
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Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
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Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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