i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
