Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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