You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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