He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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