The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
