I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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