You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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