I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
