Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
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