I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
