theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize